Back and better ... who was I kidding?

Ok ... so I knew deep down that I wasn't going to quit. I think that I needed that short break to reevaluate myself. I am being a little more true to myself now and I think that, believe it or not, I'm going to come out to Steve, full disclosure.

Why? You may ask ... well to be honest, I want him to know that I trust him with my most deepest and darkest secret and that I am hoping from showing him I trust him with something so big, that he'll trust me.

Here's what happened, in a nutshell... basically this past Friday, he was down and out because he apparently got wind that they were going to let go of some people at work and just prior to finding out, he jokingly told one of his co-workers that they were next. Shortly after, his boss kind of slipped and told him that that person was in fact next to go. So now apparently they all ganged up on him at work and he got really upset.

He immediately disappeared, pretending to go have a cigarette, and instead went to the bar next door and pounded one down. Well, so he claims..

We originally had plans on having a quiet weekend and not spending money, but since he was in one of his moods, he wanted to go out and one of his friends, whom I never met before, was gathering everyone to go out. So I, along with Mike, tagged along. I drove, which I totally don't care.

It was an amazing night. I got my drunk on, then sobered up later to drive. Steve got plastered and when we all went to the diner to grab a bite, mind you this is at like 4AM, he fell asleep in the car. Everyone else went into the diner and left me with Steve. He was so drunk that I grabbed his junk purposely a few times to see if he was fucking with me or not and when he didn't even respond to me grabbing it, I knew he was really out of it.

I slapped him a few times on the face to wake him up and he told me some shit like he thinks he needs to go to the hospital because he overdosed on Oxycontin or one of those. I kept trying to talk to him and he kept saying that. I finally got him up to walk into the diner and he slid into the booth and literally passed out. He sat there with his head hung and just slept. We all ate and coming to the end, I guess he slept it off and woke up. He was still drunk as hell but I guess slept some of it off. He ate a little and I guess that helped too.

Sometime during the course of these events, I remember him saying "I lied to you about the drugs" - so of course, I'm torn. I wonder if it was a test to see if I would do something to him or if he really was that drunk. I remember back in Pennsylvania, he had a lot more to drink, but wasn't that bad. So I feel like he really did take drugs ...

I really want to confront him about this. If he really has a drug problem, I want to be there for him and help him get through this. This is why I am thinking that if I can let him see how much I trust him and open up to him, he would return the favor and do the same. I want to and plan to tell him everything. Tell him that ever since I knew that I was gay, I always was curious as to how "it" would be with him. I had yearned to just see his penis and now I have, thanks to him. I want him to know that despite my sexual attraction to him, I would NEVER do anything to jeopardize our friendship. I want to call him out on how different he's been, since I told him I was bi. He avoids hanging out with just me at times and he needs to know that I would never push anything at all to make the situation uncomfortable. He needs to know that I love him like a brother and then some.

Of course I'm fucking nervous as hell to tell him something so big, but in a way, at this point, I feel like I'm ok with it getting out there. When the time comes and my parents find out about it, well ... that's a different story, but I can't keep living this lie.

What do you think? Totally stupid move or possibly the right thing?

Well, bring on the comments, good and bad. I'm back, stronger than ever, and ready to stand up on my soapbox again. If you don't like it, well then I suggest that you stop reading! ;)

xoxo,
Jared

So... I think I'm done...

When I had started this blog, it was a means for me to vent to whomever chose to read this, full disclosure, without hesitation...

While I've continued to do just that and, in my opinion, grow, it seems that for most, I've done nothing but spend countless hours of bitching. Some of you feel that I am not being true to myself, by hiding in the closet, while some have expressed the same stress that I feel with their own lives.

While it's hard for most to understand, it really is difficult. Based on the recent poll results and comments and overall feeling I'm getting, I think I may take a break from blogging. I truly don't want to, but I feel that maybe I need to take a step back and reevaluate my life. I'm not giving up on it, but maybe just take a break...

Wow... I feel like I'm breaking up with someone ... lol ...

Well I really want everyone to know that I honestly appreciate all the feedback, good and bad.

I am getting myself the financial security that I have been lacking and there is a possibility that this closeted gay boy may just no longer be closeted before the year ends. I honestly doubt it, but who knows. Maybe I'll win the lottery or find me a good guy? I don't know...

Anyway ... so long for now ... and thank you for tuning in....

Welcome ... you'll receive your welcome package in the mail

So funny story ... apparently the town I live in is flooded with gays of all sorts. It's a very accepting community and the kids here have definitely taken advantage of that...

Anyway ... so back in high school, there were these group of kids that were so well tight knit, it was impossible for anyone to get into their little group. Well that's at least the way I felt... Little to know that like two of my "friends" who I had grown up with had become part of that group.

Now throughout high school, I got along with everyone. Everyone knew me and I never really had problems with anyone. In junior high, it was a different story. This same group of kids took pleasure in calling me a fag, telling me I was gay, and the whole nine. I let it all roll off of me, of course.

So high school came along and of course, their views changed, well at least I think so. I never heard any of that nonsense again from them and we basically had called a truce. I look on Facebook and see them all still together. In fact, one of the couples are now engaged. I thought, wow, it's nice that they're all still together.

So then one day I was Facebook stalking, which I'm infamous for, and I decided to click on one of the guy's profile and low and behold, there is a status that says "In a Relationship with John Smith" -- I normally never take to these things, because people are stupid and put dumb shit like that up on their profile. So I kind of blew it off and then one of my friends, who happened to be in love with this guy, tells me one day while I was talking to her that he's gay. Full on and out.

I found it so damn ironic that he was one of those fuckers that had tormented me and now look at him. Yeah... it's all part of "growing up" right? I really beg to differ ... but whatever ... welcome Johnny boy and thanks for drinking the  kool-aid... :)