Update ...

So I've been ignoring Steve for the past two days now and it's been eating him up. I finally caved tonight and responded back to his texts. He did apologize for his "drunkenness" and all that, but it's not that easy.

I feel that we will be much more distant now. Not only because of this one incident, but because of everything. All of the ignored texts, the flaking out on me, everything. It's all built up to this and now I just can't be bothered anymore. My love for him has become extinct.

I look at him in disgust for his actions. He claims that it is "self-defense" ... to me, it's purely stupidity. If you instigate a person and send mixed signals to them, do you not expect them to make a move on you, especially if you're that good looking and they're obviously interested? You asked for it upon yourself and sent mixed signals. The person that you supposedly beat up did not deserve it and I blame no one but you. It's dumbasses like you that are to blame for the hatred and heartache that this community feels.

Whether or not he was completely lying to me or not, I will never know, but this is my stand on the situation and I'm going with that.

How does one define "asshole"? Simply put - my first true love-crush, Steve.

Marriage is so Gay

Show your support for equality and gay marriage! Check out this website, buy a shirt, and choose which good charity this goes to.

http://www.marriageissogay.com/

Ok ... I think I've lost it

I seriously just need someone I can talk to about everything I'm feeling ... Someone I can confide in and know that my secrets, fears, feelings, everything is safe.

I've actually started Googling shrinks ... no joke ... Something is wrong with me and I am recognizing it in me and I think I need some help to get through this ...

I can't seem to catch a break ... I work my ass off, go to school practically full time, and try my best to do everything right, yet I just can't seem to catch a break at all.

My parents are smothering me and I happened to mention to my dad this weekend that Mike was looking at an apartment and he's "like you want to move out? You're ass is too fat, that's your problem. You need to focus on saving your money and buying a house! I know you can't afford any of that now, so what the hell are you thinking?"

First off, what the fuck does me being "fat" have anything to do with anything!? I just couldn't believe he said that. Secondly, he's right, I can't afford anything, but honestly, I need to get out! I don't even have the privacy to cry about anything and let these feelings escape me because they're always on my ass.

I am trying to save, but something ALWAYS comes up!

I'm pissed off at Steve so much that I've been ignoring him all day today and it's been really hard. I know it's eating him up inside that I am ignoring him because he's been texting me all day. This morning he texts me "dick." - Plain and simple. I responded back with "Say what you want, but I have nothing more to say to you. Consider this the last text message from me for a while."

He responded with "wtf? That's random .." and then with "why are you so angry" and then later on with "I'll see you at 5" (obviously trying to get me to reply back to him)

I honestly don't have the energy to fight with him right now and quite frankly, I felt the conversation we had last night about his "altercation" was geared toward me. He was going on and on ... "I know I mess around a lot, but when I say don't touch me, don't! I fucking told him not to touch me. I warned him and I told him not to ... "

It seemed so real and then to blow it off because he was trying  to fuck with me!? No thank you. He said some other things that made it a bit more personal, which I'd rather not disclose, but nonetheless, he said it. I honestly don't know ...

I feel like I want to literally just pick up and leave everything behind. Apply for a job in California and just up and move, without warning to no one. I am seriously hitting a dead end with my life. It's just how I feel.

I look at certain things and you know what, I'd die to have it. Something as simple as the relationship that Steve and his brother has, I wish I could have that. I saw the commercial for "It's Complicated" on DVD and there is a scene where the son walks down the aisle and is graduating. He has the full support of his family. I want that. I'm mainly close with my sister and even that relationship has become distant.

My sister is 10 years older than me. My brothers are 12 and 14 years older than me. One is out of the country and I hardly know him. The other rents my sister's basement and he may as well live out of the country too. He's going to be 38 and is not married and doesn't seem to have any intentions of getting married. He's not the greatest role model, but I wish we were somewhat closer.

I wonder if I will ever graduate and actually become independent. I wonder if I'll ever find love, get married and have children. I look at "Brothers & Sisters" every Sunday night and live vicariously through Scotty and Kevin's relationship. Sadly, I look at that show for hope... hope that one day, I can find a genuine guy who truly loves me, be able to come out to my family, be accepted, and eventually consider having children.

But will it ever happen? Who knows .. right now, it's just a mere dream. Nothing more. I feel stuck and mostly alone.

I mustered up some confidence to audition online for Glee and then at the last minute chickened out from the fear of rejection. I was more afraid that my family would see it or my friends and just laugh... I'd sadly rather live the life I am currently than live my ultimate and secret dream of becoming an actor... doing what I love best and singing. The fear of rejection is something that I don't think I am strong enough to deal with ...

I was thinking the other day ... I was put down so much growing up that I lacked the confidence to talk to girls. I was always called "gay" throughout school and eventually one day I decided to investigate what "gay" was and I decided to explore and see if it fit. I came to realize that men aren't as judgmental as girls and we know what we want. It was easy and I liked it, so I accepted it. I still do think that girls are hot and sometimes they turn me on, but I know what I like and what really turns me on ... I've toyed around with the idea of being bi, but apparently I just give off that gay vibe or maybe it's tattooed on my forehead because girls never sought interest in me.

I don't even know why this is all coming out. I guess it's been bottled up inside me for so long that this is it. It either comes out or brings me to my end. Ok... now I've finally begun to cry...

I am going to go and just let it out... sorry for unloading on my readers ... just feeling really down right now... :(

So this is my life ... whatever

So I woke up this morning to take my car in for some service, got a loaner, and texted Steve while waiting on the loaner to see what he was up to. He said he was going into the city to pub crawl and asked me to join him, last minute of course, probably counting on me saying no. Which I did and went home.

I fell asleep on the couch for a bit and then woke up. I texted 3 other friends to see if they wanted to grab some dinner. Two responded saying they couldn't and the other, up to now, has not responded to me. I ended up ordering dinner and picking it up at the restaurant and came home and ate alone. My parents did invite me to go with them and the neighbors to dinner, but I had declined, thinking that I could have a nice dinner with a friend.

I had texted Steve to see if he had gotten home and if he wanted to chill (he left for the city at 11:30AM) and he never responded.

My dad asked me to take him to meet up with all of my cousins to have a drink. I was never called by my uncle, who coordinated the whole thing, to see if I wanted to come. I was only asked by my father so that I'd be his sober driver, and that is the truth.

Now my parents returned with my neighbors from dinner and they're still here. I don't think my dad is going to the boys gathering again, but he still says that he is.

I just got a call from Steve to meet him at a local bar and then he calls again with this whole thing about how he beat the "pulp" out of this cross dresser and how there were cops coming for him and then he hangs up. So I figured he was bullshitting me, so I told him to hold on and that I was going to call his father, since his father has some pull with NYPD. Then he texts me not to, so I call him back and everything seems ok and fine. I turned my phone off and he's been texting me and calling me bc when I turned it back on, I had like 6 texts... what a fucking asshole! I am officially done with him. I blocked him from my Facebook and I am seriously thinking of blocking his numbers from my cell phone and home phone.

I am so done ... with friends, family, everyone!

Holy white stuff in my pants! :)

So I just saw this on Just Jared .... Holy hotness! I love me some Kris Allen ... mmmmm....

See them all @ http://justjared.buzznet.com/2010/04/18/kris-allen-shirtless/

The Confusious Jared has returned...

So from a multitude of inspiration, I think I am back from my lull ...

I was recently reflecting and after tonight's episode of Brothers & Sisters, I've decided to change my outlook on life...

Recently, I've been down in the dumps ... I've begun to seriously hate my job to the point of which I almost walked off. I'd wake up every morning feeling like P-Diddy ... just kidding ... couldn't help myself ... I love that song! :)

Anyway ... I'd wake up every morning with such negativity. I'd hate the fact that I'd have to go to work, not because I hate working, but because I hated having to go specifically to the place where I work. I've been there for almost 5 years now (July 25 will make it official) and I am still considered "entry-level". I am far well beyond that and my boss knows it. She's the one giving me all the work to do and I have yet to be recognized for any of it. Two years ago, when I got my review, I was given a substantial raise, but the only reason it was "substantial" was because they had already anticipated that we weren't getting any raises the next year. This year, it's up in the air. They haven't said no, but they haven't said yes either.

Anyway - so with that said, I've been dwindling on these said facts and it's been eating at me. My boss, like most, I guess, isn't exactly the easiest to deal with. She truly sucks at management and her methods, well let's just say they're lacking ... She does things to all of us that is just plainly not right. She treats us like prisoners and in all honesty, people at the company are afraid to ask for help from my department because of how she is. She literally treats us like she signs our checks and that we work solely for her and not for the company.

Now I am never one to speak so ill of a person to solely help me, so I will admit she has her moments. I've dealt with her outside of work and she is peaches and cream. Generally, she is a decent person, but as I had stated about her before, she tends to have "good days" far sporadically than her "bad days". Basically, she is the opposite of most human beings when it comes to work. More bad than good ..

So anyway ... we recently got into it because she tends to hear what she wants to hear and she tends to react before thinking and then when she makes an ass out of herself, she looks to justifying it by blaming others. So basically we're working on this project. We've contracted this company, which she happens to be part owner of (no conflict of interest there, right??), to redo one of our main systems. This same company recently redid a similar system for Toronto, Canada. It turns out that one of the employees at this company did a lot of the footwork for Toronto. Now when it's our turn (and probably mainly because my boss is part owner), we have to do a lot of the footwork ourselves.

So we started this process of coding and as we're going along, we're being fed piecemeal code. So we have to constantly go back to what we marked as complete and add these bits and pieces of code in and make the modifications. We've probably done this about 10 times already - no joke. So now that we finally got all the pieces of code in and finally get the code to work, we finish up one of the parts and got everything to look how we wanted. My boss decides to go to this company (they're about an hour away) and pay them a visit and brings everything with her. One of the developers there looks at what we did and basically told us how we did it wrong and how to do it right. While I had him on the phone, I did what he suggested and surprise, surprise, it didn't work. So he said how he'd have to get back to me and I said ok. Then my boss pipes in and said we should continue working. So I said to her that I wasn't going to continue working until the developer got back to us with a proper solution. Basically... why continue incorrectly when you're going to have to redo everything anyway.. so she took that as how I quit on the project and how I said that I'm not doing it anymore. So when she gets in the next day, she calls me into her office and we get into it and I walked out.

So since then I've been miserable. Every day I go to work all negative and when I see her car pull into the parking lot, I seriously get a sinking feeling in my stomach. Not necessarily fear that I will be fired, but just the fact that the bitch has arrived and now we have to be prisoners in a room for the rest of the day ... just not healthy.

Then I started to factor in the whole - I'm 24 and still living at home and I fucked up my life with my credit and I'm at a dead end because I can't go anywhere ...

So basically ... I was in a bad place. I got my tax return back and sent it all to American Express. I had  about $500 left to pay and I just did on Friday. So because I paid it in full, they're going to reinstate my card and now I can hopefully get back on track with my finances. It has become such a weight off my shoulders, you don't even know. Once I get that card, I am placing it in a zip-loc bag, filling said bag with water, and placing said bag in the freezer. This way I am not tempted at all ... :)

So that really helped turn things around for me. My parents have just become annoying as ever, constantly calling me if I'm not home at 5:05, since it takes me less than 5 minutes to get home from work. If I go out, they're calling me at all hours of the morning asking me where I am. They've become stifling and I just can't deal with it much longer. I am toying with the idea of a steady second job so that I can move out ... work on the weekends, see what I can do. This whole dream of me having a company of my own just isn't panning out. Business is slow and if I dwindle on that dream any longer, then I'll always be living at home.

Seriously ... after watching Ugly Betty, she really inspired me to take a chance in life - accept change and embrace it. I've been saying that I want to move to California and I think I am  officially setting a goal to make it happen.

One thing for sure, is that I am a family-oriented guy. It will be hard to leave what I know here in New York, but thinking back to it (and again from UB), my parents left everything they knew and took a risk to move to the US (Yes, they were immigrants, turned US citizen). They left their families to find a better life. They took the risks head on and struggled, like most, and made it to where they are today without ever looking back. I feel that it's time that I man up and take the risks head on and make the move. Granted, it's not to another country, but it is an entirely different world for me.

From tonight's episode of Brothers and Sisters, as Sarah had accepted as her daily mantra, "It will all work out", I've come to start accepting that as my life mantra. If you truly believe in something and have hope and faith, it will work out. That is now my positive outlook on life. I'm not going to be naive about it, but I am going to try my best to find myself again and do what I once had always done- look for the silver lining in things again. Stay positive and just let things play its course.

Look ... I decided to stop appearing so desperate Steve and Mike and they've been texting me instead of me having to text them. Steve actually asked me to come over tonight and I did go, but only after I was done with my dinner plans. Once I've showed that I'm not into them (although I totally am.. hehe), they've seem to come to me and I kind of like it.

To be honest, I've been focusing on me and that's why I haven't had time to even play into their games. I didn't do it intentionally, but either way, it seems to have worked in my favor. I've just been so busy with school and really trying to get good grades so that I can just graduate already, that I've been so focused on that, that they haven't crossed my mind. You know what? It is what it is ... que sera sera...

I really need to set my goals and get back on track. I've paid off a major debt, now to focus on saving money so that when I graduate, I will have some money to possibly get myself into my own place. I will hopefully find a better job, with higher pay, so that I can continue to keep said place, plus I will need to pay my student loans back as well. So I still have a lot of milestones to hit and I need to stay focused ...

So anyway .. it's now after 3AM and I have work in about 5 hours ... time for some sleep .. Just remember ... It will all work out... Oh ... and sorry for the extremely long entry!

xoxo,
J

All things new...

So if you haven't noticed, A Closeted Gay Boy has gone under a facelift ... New design, new layout, new hot guys ... all new! :)

I actually did the design, so I hope you all like it. Tell me how much you like it (or don't like it) by voting to the right over there... ---->

Anyway ... with the new design done, I actually want to reach out to the readers to get suggestions for new sidebar men ... lol - yes, that's what I'm calling them ..- the two hotties to the left and the right of the blog .. I can swap them out at any time ... so send me a link to a pic or their names and then once I get a few, I will post it up on my blog and the two who win will be on my blog ... can you say "interaction" ... lol

Well ... start commenting ... hopefully this will spark many to comment instead of the usual people that do ... not that I don't like those that normally do ... just wish I had more, that's all ... :)

Well comment away with suggestions! Looking forward to them! :)

xoxo,
J

Quickie ... update that is ... ;)

So just a quickie .. :)

This past week, I hadn't initiated any conversations with Steve. Last Saturday I had sprained my ankle ... it was bad ... twisted it up and went straight down on my knees (not in the good way!) - least to say, it was PAINFUL. He texted me on Sunday and I had told him about the ankle.

I didn't hear a peep from him throughout the entire week. I was tempted to initiate a conversation, but I didn't. I was a good boy. I have been having problems at work with my boss (another story for another time), to the point where we got into an argument and I almost walked off. So since that argument, I did some spring cleaning on my computer at work and I didn't log onto MSN messenger the whole week. I had to restart my computer and when I did on Thursday, MSN auto-logged in and that was when he messaged me.

Again, throughout the entire week, I didn't hear from him. No phone calls or texts. He finally asked how I was feeling with my ankle and I made small talk with him and that was it. It turned out that we both were going to the exact same party in the city and I hinted at meeting him there, but he didn't really say yes or no and of course I ended up not going. It was raining and I didn't feel like traveling by myself into the city.

So anyway ... in an effort to keep this a "quickie" --- basically, I didn't hear from him and I didn't cave and initiated communication with him. I was not "desperate" ... lol - can you say "growth"? XD

And on another note -- I finally paid off my American Express debt and they're going to reinstate my card ... Thank god that headache is over with! Hopefully this will seriously help my credit score and I am praying that I can bounce back from that mistake! Ugh!!

Well that's it for now ... I guess...

xoxo,
J

It really is over! :(

So tomorrow is the actual SERIES FINALE of Ugly Betty! I really can't believe that ABC decided to let this show go! It was finally getting good and now they're just ending everything so abruptly! I just can't believe it. I loved to get lost in the fast paced world of Ugly Betty. I seriously would love to have her life sometimes - living in the city, having an awesome job, etc.

Well anyway, I am very sad that they've ended the show. I noticed that "The Deep End" hasn't continued, but I just looked and apparently they had already completed their season finale. I was surprised that they only had 5 episodes in their first season, but at least that's not canceled (yet). I mean I started getting into Eastwick and now that's canceled as well ... Ugh ... why do I bother getting into shows!? :(

-J

Another great movie ...

So it's been a while since I took a stroll down the Gay Netflix Channel on my Blu-Ray player... but tonight I did and I watched a movie that I had bookmarked a while back called Latter Days.

It's about a super hottie that plays a Mormon who discovers that he is gay and has to come to terms with the fact that he is the complete opposite of everything that he believes in and has been taught. He meets another super hottie who lives in the same complex where he's staying, who's completely gay, and this said hottie picks up that he's curious, to say the least, and leads him on.

That's all I'm going to say because for those who haven't seen it, I don't want to spoil it. I thought it was well done and I really liked it a lot. Let's just say that I hope that I find the love that was found in the movie. I completely can relate to what the hottie Mormon was faced with - leaving everything that he knows and loves for a guy, whom he doesn't know if it will work out with or not, or leaving the guy behind and going home to live a miserable life. I'm not Mormon (thank goodness and no offense), but I do kind of feel like I have the same ultimatum - leave everything behind that I know and love, like my parents and my siblings and my niece, to live an openly gay life where I can find true happiness, or set every feeling aside to do the "right" thing and satisfy my parent's wish to get married and give them grandchildren... I have become so used to the life that I currently live that it's really hard to turn my back on everyone. I know that I can count on some family members, like my sister, for acceptance, but then again, you never know, she could be the most appalled one... ugh ...

Anyway... nothing like me turning this into something about me ... right? Argghhh ... it's what I do ....

Ugh... anyway ... look at the movie, comment back and let me know what you think It was awesome, amazing, and I absolutely loved it!! :)

xoxo,
J

This guy reminds me a lot of Steve

Same cute look, same nice long cock .... God DO I EVER LOVE GuysWithiPhones.com

A night of debauchery and a morning of DRAMA

So Friday night, Steve got out of work early and we were chatting all day that how we'd go out and do something. Up to the point of where he was on the train and texting me, we had concurred that we were going to do something. My parents were meeting up with some of their friends and I didn't want to be home, especially if they were coming over, because they'd drag me with them. Not that they're bad company or anything, but I seriously didn't want to go and hang with my parents and their friends... to me, that was kind of sad if I did on a Friday... lol

So anyway, I told him how I don't care what we do, so long as I am out of the house. He was like ok, we'll do something. So I kept saying to him, let's go to a bar or do happy hour or something and he didn't seem to care to go. While at work, around 4:00, he texts me and says how he's going to some happy hour out east with Mike. I was like, SERIOUSLY!? After I just suggested it and you were so hesitant... Ugh! So whatever, when I finally got out of work, I texted him and then the story changed that how he was going to meet some girl at some bar. It's a bar, so I could've definitely went, but he didn't even ask me to come. So of course, I got pissed and posted it on twitter and facebook that my friends suck and I ended up going to the gym.

I guess he saw it because he texted me at like 11 and was like "I'm so lost" -- I completely ignored him and went to bed shortly after. I actually had a side job to do Saturday morning and I had asked Steve and he never committed to going with me, so I got up at 7 and left my house at 8am. I got a text from him at like 2am that only said "thanks" - so I played it off, saying I was already sleeping, since I had nothing better to do.

So then he texts me Saturday morning at around 11 and was like thanks for calling me ... I'm like for what, and he was like to come and help you with your job. I told him that he never committed to me, so I left it that he wasn't going to be able to help me.

So basically throughout the day, we were texting each other. I was pissed and I knew he knew and could tell from my shortness in texts. So then he proceeds to ask me if we're still on for later that night - we were supposed to go to some bar opening - and I had said yes, reluctantly. Then I get a text saying how those plans were canceled and that he was sorry b/c his friend who originally told him canceled it. I said "ok" and left it at that.

So now I get home at about 9:00PM from working all day and as I finally sit down to relax, he texts me that they're all going out to this bar/club place two towns over, if I was in. I said yes and met him at his house. He was supposedly picking up a shitload of people, so I was going to drive and follow him. As I got to his house, he said that how some people flaked on him and to just hop in and he'd drive, so I did.

Since I didn't drive, I decided to get plastered. Like I had said before in prior posts, I really needed a night out of drunken stupidness. So surprisingly, Steve paid the cover for me and he kept ordering me drinks. I knew he really felt bad. So basically we had a long and drunken night. This time, I remembered everything. I kept drinking, but I was sure to commit everything to memory, lol. I even remember this girl we met, her name and where she said she worked. So ha!!

His brother went to go and walk some girl out and b/c he didn't stamp his hand, the bouncer wouldn't let him in. So apparently he got into a fight and we had to leave. It was probably about 4am at this time...

So we get to Steve's house and I am really wasted. Enough to know that I can't drive home. So I had planned to crash on his couch in his room, but since today was Easter, he didn't want me to and I also didn't think it would be right for me to sleeping in his room and waking up to his family... so I said to him that I would stay in my car... and I did.

So I passed out in my car, in front of his house and apparently my mother kept calling me - I looked at my phone today and there were 10 missed calls starting from 4am to 5am. I was passed out and didn't hear the phone ring at all. Finally, I did and I picked it up and she was flipping out. So at this point, it was like 6am and I drove home, half-way drunk b/c she was fuming. I came home, had a small confrontation and then went straight to bed.

I woke up this morning and had to talk to my dad. He was pissed but I wouldn't let up. I kept telling him that I'm 24 years old and that I did absolutely nothing wrong. I didn't drink and drive, I knew I was too drunk to drive home, so I slept it off. I did nothing wrong. My mom just flipped out b/c like 8 years ago, she lost her brother to a drunk driver and now every time I go out, she always relates back to that morning when she kept calling his cell phone and found out what had happened. I am not being a bitch about it because I COMPLETELY understand the trauma that she experienced, but now I am going to be punished every time I go out b/c of that? It was just so annoying.

They kept telling me that I should've called, no matter the time and they would come and get me. They're not understanding that I would not and will never call in the middle of the night and that furthermore, I don't need mommy and daddy picking me up from a bar! I'm not a fucking kid or a moron that I would go and drink and drive. My uncle died of drunk driving (he was sober, but the other guy was piss drunk) and that alone has taught me never to do that. I am smart enough to know whether or not I am capable of driving and I wouldn't EVER do that... my parents need to just lay off! They kept saying that she was so worried and that I should've called.... how was I supposed to know that at 4AM she was up worrying about me? I'm not telepathically connected to her and I'm in a loud as club, so I can't hear my phone. What did they want me to do, call and be like "Hi, it's me, I'm totally drunk and fucked up right now, but I just wanted to check in at 4AM ... ok .. bye" --- Really!?!?!?

I am seriously contemplating a weekend job just so that I can move out and have some freedom! I am beginning to feel somewhat trapped and suffocated in my house. They need to know my every move. Why the hell don't they just tag me like a dog, this way they can track my every move online instead of having to call me. Holy fucking shit!

So anyway - aside from the parent crackdown, I had a really awesome time. I totally needed to let loose a bit and kick back a few ... I think I've satisfied the craving for now. Although I was ready to do it again tonight! LOL

Oh, hello again Responsibility ---- with that said, I'm going to bed ... 1:38AM and I got work ... :(

xoxo,
Jared

Catching up...

So I finally got a chance to sit down and catch up on Ugly Betty ... for those who watch it ... OMG!

First, I can't believe that she finally got those braces off. It's about damn time! I am sure that America Ferrara is probably so happy not to have to sit to get them put on for shooting! I read that they're actually real and that they put them on for every shooting and then take them off... talk about insane!

Second, I can't believe that Hilda is marrying Bobby! Holy hottie! LOL ... I can't wait for next week's episode of the actual wedding!

Third, IT IS ABOUT TIME that Justin finds himself as a gay boy. I mean, come on, that boy is a genuine mo, both on the show and IRL! The boy that they have playing his love interest is cute and adorable too! I was excited to see them finally kiss on TV and then even more excited when they did it again and yet again! In all honesty, nothing turns me on more than to guys passionately kissing - not only was their kiss passionate, but also it reminded me of my first kiss with a guy ... how I had to explore and come to terms with me liking it.

Now for the bad news that I just read online ... Ugly Betty is being canceled!? Ok ... that has got to be the most upsetting news I've read! I can't believe that they're canceling it!! Why is it that every time a show starts to get good, the network goes and cancels it!? FUCK ratings - people are still watching it! ARGGGGhhhhh!

---------------------------

So in other news ... Ricky Martin is gay!? OMG, I would've never known! (Sense the sarcasm!?) --- Seriously!? That had to make headlines? How could you not know ... the photos of him frolicking (God, I hope that's the right spelling) in a Speedo on the beach with another guy wasn't proof enough? Come on!

Well whatever - congrats to him! He's one hot piece of ass and his husband is one lucky SOB ... lol --- You can't tell me you've never fantasized about him... come on!?

--------------------------

Ok ... well that's it for now ... it's almost 2:00AM and I have to work in a few hours ... plus I have to be at work earlier than normal! Ugh ....

A place I never want to go again!

So recently, I went to a deep, dark place which I didn't like at all.

As you all have read, I seriously was hating on life. I was so consumed with negative energy that I was the most bitter thing known to man! I just couldn't deal with life anymore. The stress at work is what I think pushed me over the edge. School has been so demanding, hell - LIFE is just too demanding.

I seriously was hating on the world and if you know me, I am NEVER like that. I may bitch, but that is all that it really is. I am seriously a happy, go lucky, overly gay (no pun intended) type of guy. It's just that I think that as much as I fought it, I had lost the battle and most definitely felt defeated.

I had felt like the world was shitting on me no matter where I ran for cover. All my alleged friends made plans with me and canceled or they made plans and never included me. My parents were not helping the situation and I honestly had no one to turn to. I had recognized how negative I had become and luckily stopped myself from getting too sucked into that energy. I had time to reflect a bit over the weekend. I had to drive to Connecticut with my parents and ended up having the hour and a half drive back home to myself. I did a lot of reflecting and thinking and just cleared my mind.

I ended up going out on Tuesday for this girl's 21st birthday. It was local, but still fun. This entire week is spring break for me and for once, I am feeling my age! I went out a few times this week and Steve and Mike came over yesterday and we just had dinner at my house. I had stopped my desperate attempts to hang out with them and believe it or not, they pretty much invited themselves over and I cooked. We had a good time and that was that.

I decided to do what I was always been taught to do, which is to accept people for who they are. Steve and Mike may seem not to want to hang out with me, yet they invited themselves over once I stopped trying. I don't know - they're weird to say the least. At this point, I'm not going to get all hellbent out of shape over it. It is what it is. When I finally get to move out and possibly away, it won't matter. When they get married (and maybe me too), it won't matter.

It is what it is and with that said, happy Friday readers! Go out and enjoy your day - The weather is supposed to be beautiful on the east coast!