A heartfilled thanks ...

I just wanted to apologize to my readers, the few that I have, for being such a bitch recently. I've been reflecting back on my life thus far and I am truly not happy, but it is me who has to make the change, not anyone else.

I really want to thank everyone for reading along and commenting and giving me your thoughts. It all has really helped me and I appreciate it ever so much. This is my only means of venting freely and it does help a lot to hear from everyone, whether or not I like it. I need honest opinions and everyone has thus far pulled through.

So once again, thank you to everyone who has been there for me, throughout my years of blogging. I am so happy that I started this and I hope to continue with a lot less bitching.

xoxo,
Jared

I seriously have no friends

It seems to be that throughout my life, I've never had any actual friends, only acquaintances...

It turns out that this group I would normally hang out with is planning this big birthday bash for one of the girls who is turning 21. I haven't heard a peep from any one of the six of them... not one person texted me, e-mailed me, or even messaged me on Facebook about the plans. I decided to text everyone to arrange something and everyone was like they can't on the Friday I picked, so I decided to ask about the following Friday and I got all "maybe's" ... I found out from the only one who can't get into bars yet that three of them plan to take the birthday girl out on the 2nd Friday I had suggested to get her wasted. It's obvious that they don't want any part of me because not one of them mentioned it to me or invited me. So, fine, fuck them.

Now tonight, not much to my surprise Steve fucked me over as usual. He did actually text me and said how he was going to hang out with some other kid and invited me. I told him that I was pissed at my parents and how I'm in because I don't want to be home. He's like "awww ... ok, I'm going to shower and I'll text you when I'm out." --- Guess what? Not one text -- such a FUCKING ASSHOLE.

I opened up to him last night about how bad of a week I've been having and how I am in desperate need of just a night out .... after telling him all of that and blatantly telling him how I need to get out of the house, he just fucks me over!? I don't know why I had expected him to pull through tonight...

I've been looking at the polls and the majority of you think I am wasting my time with him. I can't believe that I am going to admit this, but I guess I am wasting my time.

As I lay here in bed, watching the Bad Romance video, on the verge of crying, I've come to that realization. I just don't understand what the hell is wrong with me that I can't even say that I have 1 true friend. Is it me? My personality? What? I would love to know!

The more I think about it, the more upset I get. I really don't know what the fuck is wrong with me that I can't have one decent friendship? What human being doesn't have one good friend? A friend that no matter the hour, day, or whatever, you call and they'll be there for you? Why am I so hated?

I am such an asshole ... I can't stand it!

And it just continues.... I may have found my breaking point

So basically from the last time I left off, Steve apologized to me for that night. He claims how he thinks someone rufied (sp?) his drink b/c he doesn't remember a thing, including our conversation that night.

Whatever.

Lately, I don't know. I've become so damaged. My parents are driving me crazy and I am seriously about to commit myself to a psych ward because of them. My dad has been riding my ass about work, knowing that I am hating every moment of it there. He's been home since his accident, so he's just been annoying as hell. My mother busts all up into my room at random times. I was contemplating jacking off... It was about 1:00AM and I had just crawled into bed .. I had turned the TV on and had a music video going and then she just busts into my room to say "You're still up!? Go to bed." --- I'm like, if I had my cock out and gay porn on the TV ... what the fuck!?

Now today, my dad took my mom's car, since he's been stuck at home to go "out". No problem for him because he expects me to drive her all over. Luckily, we work at the same company, so instead of me doing what I wanted to do at lunch time, I had to drive her home, have lunch together and bullshit until the hour passed. I really didn't mind, but what pisses me off is that he just ASSUMES that it's ok and never asks me. Now they're talking about going to Connecticut to see about getting a deal on a car for my dad (my uncle works for a dealership) (my dad has a company truck, but he wants his own car) - so right away my mom is like "You have to go with us because if your father gets the car, I don't want to have to drive back from Connecticut by myself." --- AGAIN, assuming I have nothing to do, makes that demand ... I'm just so fucking tired of it!

Work has been atrocious. End of story there. I hate it and I want and I am looking for a new job.

School has been keeping me well beyond busy.

Money has been tight (what else is new?) and I am trying ever so hard to pay off all my bills.

I seriously had a moment where I was on the verge of breaking down and crying driving home from class, but I didn't. This coming week is spring break and everyone is talking about going away and posting on their Facebook pages where they're going ... Cancun here, Vegas there .. and here I am, stuck at home and at work with no means of vacation in the hindsight.

I seriously wanted to cry and as I was building up to it with all the thoughts in my head, I got a text message from my tax accountant with the amount of my return. I seriously did begin to cry with joy because of the amount I got back. I am so serious - It is really a light at the end of the tunnel. I can finally get rid of one of my major debts and actually start saving money toward something, like an apartment.

I can't tell you how happy it made me feel. I actually ended up by Steve last night. I kept begging him to go with me to eat at the diner and he refused. He insisted that I grab food and bring it to his place and we could eat and watch a movie. Of course, I ended up paying for the food, but I honestly didn't care, I was happy to get out of the house. No surprise, we didn't watch any movie because it got too late to start it by the time he actually got home. We just basically watched TV until midnight, when I finally left. As I was talking to him and I finally said good night, he's standing at the glass door, watching me walk to the street. As I had turned to walk away from the door, he called out my name and when I turn around, he whips out his cock completely and shakes it against the glass as I look down. I wasn't complaining, but I was like ... how fucked up ... you know I'm "curious" about that shit and you tease me like that!? LOL --- I was happy nonetheless... lol - oh and PS - talk about big and looooongggg!!! MMMMMmmmmmm ... LOL

I have been talking to him about going out tonight to get a drink or two, I seriously could use it after this week, but he's doing his usual shit again. He claims how he was laying low tonight because he has to get up early tomorrow to do something with his dad. He said he'd come over and then some girl messages him on FB about going to the exact place I asked him to go to and now he's like maybe we can go there... It's now 7:30 and I haven't a peep from him ... so I decided to leave it at that ... let him text me if anything and if not, then whatever.

I seriously have been a bitch this week. I've been so bitter and so negative. I picked up on it badly and I seriously need to stop, take a step back, reflect, and move on. I think I seriously need to look into doing some yoga or something ... I need to clear my mind and get a different perspective on life.... hm...

OMG - I need to vent

Ok ... so here's the thing ...

As I said before, I think I am going to temporarily drop Steven and Mike as friends. They've become damaging to myself and I really can't take their lies and bullshit anymore.

So as you all know, I really do care for Steven, both as a friend and more. I've said it a million times and it's the honest truth.

So throughout the week, Steve messages me at work constantly via MSN or even e-mail. We keep in contact throughout the week and everything. I keep looking to hang out, but every time I ask, he always has some excuse. I even invited him to workout with my at my gym and he agreed, but we can never plan it out. He is ALWAYS doing something.

I asked him to hang out and watch movies, I get no response. I offered a few times to be his sober driver to some house parties he was going to and he gives me some excuse.

There was the time when we lost power and he sends me that text about hanging out during the week... total lie. Then I text him this past Saturday and asked him that since it was such a gorgeous day, if he'd go running with me on the track. He tells me how he's really sick and not feeling well. I then say, ok, well since it's so nice, you want to just chill on the beach or go to the local park or something and he's like, I don't know ... I just don't feel well. So I was like, ok, maybe we just hang out at my place and watch movies and he's like I'll let you know later.

So I left it at that.  All of a sudden, I get a video text from him and it was some weird group of people, obviously a rally of some sort. So I asked him what that was and he's like I'm at the rally. I ask him which one and he's like the health care reform rally. I was furious but decided to not let him know and I basically wrote "LOL - are you for or against it" - and he never replied.

It was BEYOND obvious that I wanted to hang out, right?

Well he sends me a picture message of some large house and I stupidly ask him what it is and he's like it's some house that his parents own or whatever. I basically replied back with "Nice" and that was it. I had decided that I wasn't going to bite and let him feed on me, so I was as blunt as possible.

He later on writes me a text asking me where I am. So I replied rather snarkly, "Seriously? I'm in my apartment in the city. Where are you?" and he's like "Yeah ... my ass" -- so we get into this conversation and he's like why are you so quiet. So I said to him that I'm giving him space.

So he gets all pissed off, I guess, and goes on the D about how he's been dying to hang out and all this crap. He then goes to call me and I accidentally hit the ignore button because I was in the middle of texting him and he goes "Oh, so you're ignoring my calls too?" Meanwhile, I had just texted him saying that I wasn't angry with him.

So I go to call back and it rings and goes to voicemail. So I text him again and he's like I went for a drive to get some air ... I'll call you when I'm back ...

So, stupidly, I keep texting him and the last text I get from him is something like "I'm so high on pain killers ... i forgot where I parked my car- lol" -- I immediately called him and again ... ring ring ring ring, voicemail.

I swear to you ... I am so frustrated with him. The way he is acting really makes me regret telling him the truth. I seriously feel like since then he has been distant and very short with me. The last text I sent him was ... "Well I'm going to bed now. Thnx for calling me back. What are you doing tomorrow? Maybe we can have dinner at the diner or something. You let me know."

I seriously plan to give him a piece of my mind if we go to dinner. I'm going to tell him exactly what I feel and that if he really doesn't want to pursue this friendship, then I can live with that, but he needs to stop playing me. Hell, I need to stop letting him play me.He knows I am very vested in my friendships and he knows that when he texts stupid shit like that to me about drugs that I flip out. I NEED TO STOP CARING.

I really had hoped that he would be a friend for life and that I could eventually come out to him 100% and that things would be ok, but I really don't see that happening with him. I never know whether or not to take him seriously and despite the many times I've told him that, it doesn't seem to bother him.

I really don't want to give up on him - I honestly feel that too many people in his live have or had at one point and I truly want to be there for him, no matter the situation, but I can't be toyed with as much as he is toying with me. It's so damn frustrating! Not to mention that my dad ended up in the hospital this week. He lost a 1/3 of a finger from using a table saw. That was primarily my main cause of stress this whole week. Add my job to the equation and all this drama with Steve ... I seriously need go and have a good man-cry.

I do have to give Steve props - when he found out about my dad he was ever so kind - him and his whole family. They were so generous and Steve even offered to help around my house to finish up the projects that my dad had started. It was really nice of him, but then all of a sudden, it turns into tonight?

Arggggggghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!

And another thing... almost forgot

So Steve had (from what I can gather) a drug/alcohol problem for about a year or so. He's now apparently over it and had gotten much better.

So the other day, I see a bag full of small pills that he had in coat that he pulled out. He claimed that it was some muscle enhancers and that it was a three week regiment. I left it alone and never thought anything of it again.

I was talking to him on Thursday and he told me how he was throwing up and he thought it was food poisoning. He then goes to say that he thinks that it's the pills he's taking. He threw up blood and all of that. I asked him what exactly he was taking and he said that he couldn't tell me.

I got legitimately upset and concerned at the same time and I kept asking him to be real with me. I told him that I wouldn't judge him and yet he refused to be straight with me (no pun intended).

Talk about pissing me off. This is one of those things that just ticks me off with him ...

I decided to stop caring and let him be. He's a fucking adult and he's smart enough to know what's right and wrong. He tells me how it's over this past Saturday and yet how he wants to take more ... what an ass!

I can't believe him! Pisses me off!!

Enlightenment on Life... per say

Ok ... so here's the thing ...

After all that had happened with Steven and the fact that he lied to me and in my desperate time of drunkenness coming out to him, I decided to forgive him.

He was genuinely sorry when I told him the truth and how I felt. He was more than receptive when I admitted my bisexuality to him. He kept saying "It doesn't matter" "Nothing is going to change" blahh blahh blaahhh

Well I don't know what his deal is. I trust him enough that he won't tell anyone but he has been sooo shady, it's unbelievable. For example, we talk throughout the week all the time at work. We even went to this wine and cheese part this past Wednesday. We all had a great time and everything seemed to be the same. I wanted to go to this special screening of a movie and we were going to go, but then he remembered that he had the wine and cheese party, so we went there instead.

He, along with the other guys are very sexually open, per say. They're quick to whip out their dicks at any given moment and always act like homosexuals, yet, they're "not". After the party, we went to this pub/restaurant that a lot of college kids go to and as we're walking to the door from the parking spot, Steve whips out his cock and starts peeing in the bushes and on the sidewalk. It's stupid things like that, that has me going crazy with mixed signals. I mean, yes, he was being stupid as hell, but him and Mike whip it out all the time. Believe me, I'm not complaining .. it's quite the nice sight, but seriously ... talk about confusing!

So anyway ... we were in that pub and we bumped into this girl that we graduated with. She was smokin' hot back in high school and not a thing has changed since then. Well, except the fact that she has come out of the closet and is a full fledged lesbo! But anyway ... I went to say hi and she followed me back across the bar and had to say hi to Steve and Mike. She said something that stuck with me and it was that Steve was and will always be such a cute hottie that anyone would want to get with. I thought about it and it's so true. He was always cute growing up and has become quite the hottie as we've grown older. He could go up to a 10+ girl and get her number and a good kiss on the lips.... me, well not that I'd try on any girl (and maybe they can pick up on that) but, if I got a second glance, heck a first glance, I'd be lucky...  I'd even attempt to try just for fun, but no one pays me any mind. He's got the whole package, from body, to gorgeous blue eyes, to 6+ foot height, to a nice looking cock ... he's the whole package ... me, I'm the sad sidekick ... which I've come to terms with ... but anyway ... I don't know why ... that just hit me that night she said it ... which by the way, lez or not, she totally give him a nice kiss on the lips after saying that ... me ... a hug and kiss on the cheek .. ugh...

ANYWAY --- Steve said how he got all these movies and we all could get together for a movie night at his place. I was looking forward to it and didn't hear a peep of it again. Mike texted me on Friday asking me about the movie night and I said to talk to Steve. Steve didn't respond at first and when he finally did, he said how he was going over his friend's house to drink. I said, ok, no problem, maybe tomorrow?

Tomorrow came (saturday), and for those who don't live under a rock, the majority of the Tri-State area was flooded with the torrential downpour of rain. I actually lost power at home for a good 5-6 hours. Throughout the day Steve and I were texting and I was trying to see if he wanted to hang out and then he responds back after a while of texting, "Oh yeah. Dude it's not like we arent gonna see each other ever again lol. we can chill next week"

I  was like ... um... ok ... did I come off desperate or something? So I blew that comment off and then just stopped texting him. When I had lost power, I texted him and asked him if he had any power and then I told him how we're sitting around the fireplace, waiting for the power to come back. I was joking and I said to him how now is the opportune time to gather and tell ghost stories like when we were kids. He was like, yeah? I want to come over. So I told him he could b/c my parents were going to bed, since there was nothing else to do and he didn't respond.

So I figured ok ... he wants space... maybe I've been a bit "clingy" or something... I don't know. So I stopped texting him. I didn't on Sunday and didn't at all today. All of a sudden, he messages me at work like not a thing happened. I was like... really? What the fuck?

So, me being my stupid self, left it alone and just answered him. He started talking about redoing his back yard and all this crap and wanted me to snap a photo of ours to show his mom and dad. I was in class and I told him it was too dark. I then proceeded to see what he was up to and he was like, supposedly Mike is going to pick him up and they're going to the gym. Not even a may we can hang out or anything later ... yet he wants me to help him build shit over the weekend ...

I think my mom is somewhat right ... they're using me and I think it's fine time I realize that.

I was hoping that by reconnecting with him, I would finally fulfill my fantasy of having actual guy friends ... buds to go to the bar with, buds to chill with, buds to vacation with ... etc.--- but to me, I feel used and it sucks.

I keep saying 2010 is about change for me and I am keeping to that philosophy ... I've been going to the gym, running 5 miles every night and working the weights ... trying to slim down and tone up and so far that's been good. I am trying ever so hard to get out of the financial rut I'm in and pay off all my debt. Pay back my parents for the money I borrowed and finally establish some sort of savings. I was hoping to move out this year, but I am not sure whether or not that is a possibility. It's been 5 years at my job and I seem to be going no where fast and I'm ready to stab my boss in the ice cold heard she has, so I've been looking at and applying to job openings all over. I am overloading myself with school in hopes to finish it much sooner rather than later. I am really pushing myself to the limits here to make a difference.... and now ... I think I'm going to try and forget the guys as much as I possibly can. I'm going to try and take a step backward and go back into the little hole I was in until I feel comfortable enough to come back out. What will happen? Who knows...

So here's the verdict

Ok .. so Steve pissed me the hell off BIG TIME!

First he told me that I kissed him on the cheek and groped him. He then told me that I groped Mike and kissed him as well and that I grabbed his ass. I couldn't believe it but I sadly can't remember a thing!

He had me going and seriously I wanted to puke. I got so upset and every time I begged him for the truth it would be different. I finally decided to give up on him and I basically told him off and was about to end all communication with him when he realized how serious I was and he apologized and told me the truth.

He lied about everything ... he said the only thing that had happened was that I kissed him on the cheek and tapped his crotch! I was so relieved, you couldn't believe it!!

I still want to think there is more that happened then what he is telling me, but I will NEVER know. I asked Mike and he laughed about it and denied anything happened, but something tells me that Steve got to him before I did.

Steve realized how much this got to me and realized how sick I actually got ... I'm not kidding .. I was so nauseous and upset ... I seriously blew the whole day away dwindling on this. It was crazy. I think that he realized how badly affected I was by this and probably got to Mike before I could.

Steve is genuinely a sweet guy. He has bad judgment on when to joke or not, but overall he is a sweet guy. I was so angry with him, but now I've gotten over it. He is REALLY cool with the whole me being "bi" thing and I'm so happy that he is. He claims that those e-mails back and forth in the past where he told me he was "bi-curious" was all a lie. This is the problem that I have with him. I can never take him seriously. That is why I'm still questioning what he told me that happened that night.

I honestly believe that Steve is actually bi ... I want it to be true, yes, but I honestly do believe that he is. I think he's denying the whole thing b/c I decided to be honest. I don't know if he thinks that I want him (which I do) or not, but I would never jeopardize our friendship for a cheap blow job or whatever else.

He claims that nothing will be different between us, but I don't know. I know one thing for sure is that I won't be joking around with him sexually-wise as I did before. I'm going to stop insinuating things and leave it well enough alone. We had talked about becoming roommates and now he says he's not ready to move out yet ... I don't know if that has been influenced by my coming out, I don't know.

I have to say that it felt so good to tell someone close to me. It really was a big relief on me. It was so much better to know that Steve welcomed the news with open arms too.

This really sucks! I love him as a friend and possibly more. I just can't believe that any chance I may have had with him is gone. Then again, if he's seriously not bi, then there was never a chance to begin with. I don't know ... I really hope that nothing much has changed ... this sucks!

I'm still kicking myself

I had a bit of a "freak out" last night as I was getting this information from Steve. (look @ previous post)

He has been mad chill about the whole thing and when I told him I'm bi, he was really cool. I am just kicking myself for my actions. I've been so god damn precautious with everything I do and I can't believe that in one night, I fucked it all up.

I'm kicking myself even harder for believing Steve. You all read that conversation and I seriously believed it. I know he denied it later, but I figured he was just trying to cover it up. I can't believe that I finally decided to open up to him, only to get kicked in the balls. Like I said, he is very cool about it. He told me nothing has changed in our relationship. (We've been besties since kindergarten) - I want to believe him but I don't know with him. He lies so much and I mean the last time I believed him, look what happened.

I'm just so torn. I'm really embarrassed about the whole thing. I know commenters said I shouldn't be ashamed about anything, but I am. All the stupid things I said insinuating things was just me bullshitting, but now I'm sure they'll think differently. Ugh... I wish I could just disappear!

OMG - I have no words ... well that's not necessarily true

Ok ... so I got over the whole situation from my last post. Steve has a cabin in the Poconos and Mike, Steve, Steve's brother Vinny, and myself all went to spend the weekend there.

It was a lot of fun and Saturday night, we all went out into Stroudsburg and got plastered. Apparently I was hitting the liquor a bit too hard because I kissed Steve on the cheek. Mike apparently saw it and now they're contemplating I'm gay.

Itried very hard to justify this and I am literally texting him as I type this ... I am so fucked ... I semi-outed myself ... I can't fucking believe this ... I'm going to dig a deep hole and bury myself in it... and never return!!


Basically what happened in a nutshell ... I apparently grabbed Mike's ass and kissed Steve on the cheek and totally fucking outed myself. I just admitted to Steve via text that I am "bi" --- I seriously want to cry ... I have a feeling that Steve isn't telling me everything. I am so embarassed ... I am on the verge of crying.

Steve is being really cool with it, but I seriously can't ever face him or Mike again. God help me if I did anything to his brother. I can't remember anything and I seriously can't hang out with either of them ever again. I am so embarassed in so many different ways.

Steve decided to try and be funny and say that I kissed Mike too ... I seriously melted in embarrassment when he said that. I seriously wanted to literally pick up and move to another country! He claims to be joking, but I don't know if he's kidding or not ... I can't remember!

OMG! I'm going to cry and then disappear! OMG! OMG! OMG!