Ok ... I think I've lost it

I seriously just need someone I can talk to about everything I'm feeling ... Someone I can confide in and know that my secrets, fears, feelings, everything is safe.

I've actually started Googling shrinks ... no joke ... Something is wrong with me and I am recognizing it in me and I think I need some help to get through this ...

I can't seem to catch a break ... I work my ass off, go to school practically full time, and try my best to do everything right, yet I just can't seem to catch a break at all.

My parents are smothering me and I happened to mention to my dad this weekend that Mike was looking at an apartment and he's "like you want to move out? You're ass is too fat, that's your problem. You need to focus on saving your money and buying a house! I know you can't afford any of that now, so what the hell are you thinking?"

First off, what the fuck does me being "fat" have anything to do with anything!? I just couldn't believe he said that. Secondly, he's right, I can't afford anything, but honestly, I need to get out! I don't even have the privacy to cry about anything and let these feelings escape me because they're always on my ass.

I am trying to save, but something ALWAYS comes up!

I'm pissed off at Steve so much that I've been ignoring him all day today and it's been really hard. I know it's eating him up inside that I am ignoring him because he's been texting me all day. This morning he texts me "dick." - Plain and simple. I responded back with "Say what you want, but I have nothing more to say to you. Consider this the last text message from me for a while."

He responded with "wtf? That's random .." and then with "why are you so angry" and then later on with "I'll see you at 5" (obviously trying to get me to reply back to him)

I honestly don't have the energy to fight with him right now and quite frankly, I felt the conversation we had last night about his "altercation" was geared toward me. He was going on and on ... "I know I mess around a lot, but when I say don't touch me, don't! I fucking told him not to touch me. I warned him and I told him not to ... "

It seemed so real and then to blow it off because he was trying  to fuck with me!? No thank you. He said some other things that made it a bit more personal, which I'd rather not disclose, but nonetheless, he said it. I honestly don't know ...

I feel like I want to literally just pick up and leave everything behind. Apply for a job in California and just up and move, without warning to no one. I am seriously hitting a dead end with my life. It's just how I feel.

I look at certain things and you know what, I'd die to have it. Something as simple as the relationship that Steve and his brother has, I wish I could have that. I saw the commercial for "It's Complicated" on DVD and there is a scene where the son walks down the aisle and is graduating. He has the full support of his family. I want that. I'm mainly close with my sister and even that relationship has become distant.

My sister is 10 years older than me. My brothers are 12 and 14 years older than me. One is out of the country and I hardly know him. The other rents my sister's basement and he may as well live out of the country too. He's going to be 38 and is not married and doesn't seem to have any intentions of getting married. He's not the greatest role model, but I wish we were somewhat closer.

I wonder if I will ever graduate and actually become independent. I wonder if I'll ever find love, get married and have children. I look at "Brothers & Sisters" every Sunday night and live vicariously through Scotty and Kevin's relationship. Sadly, I look at that show for hope... hope that one day, I can find a genuine guy who truly loves me, be able to come out to my family, be accepted, and eventually consider having children.

But will it ever happen? Who knows .. right now, it's just a mere dream. Nothing more. I feel stuck and mostly alone.

I mustered up some confidence to audition online for Glee and then at the last minute chickened out from the fear of rejection. I was more afraid that my family would see it or my friends and just laugh... I'd sadly rather live the life I am currently than live my ultimate and secret dream of becoming an actor... doing what I love best and singing. The fear of rejection is something that I don't think I am strong enough to deal with ...

I was thinking the other day ... I was put down so much growing up that I lacked the confidence to talk to girls. I was always called "gay" throughout school and eventually one day I decided to investigate what "gay" was and I decided to explore and see if it fit. I came to realize that men aren't as judgmental as girls and we know what we want. It was easy and I liked it, so I accepted it. I still do think that girls are hot and sometimes they turn me on, but I know what I like and what really turns me on ... I've toyed around with the idea of being bi, but apparently I just give off that gay vibe or maybe it's tattooed on my forehead because girls never sought interest in me.

I don't even know why this is all coming out. I guess it's been bottled up inside me for so long that this is it. It either comes out or brings me to my end. Ok... now I've finally begun to cry...

I am going to go and just let it out... sorry for unloading on my readers ... just feeling really down right now... :(