The Confusious Jared has returned...

So from a multitude of inspiration, I think I am back from my lull ...

I was recently reflecting and after tonight's episode of Brothers & Sisters, I've decided to change my outlook on life...

Recently, I've been down in the dumps ... I've begun to seriously hate my job to the point of which I almost walked off. I'd wake up every morning feeling like P-Diddy ... just kidding ... couldn't help myself ... I love that song! :)

Anyway ... I'd wake up every morning with such negativity. I'd hate the fact that I'd have to go to work, not because I hate working, but because I hated having to go specifically to the place where I work. I've been there for almost 5 years now (July 25 will make it official) and I am still considered "entry-level". I am far well beyond that and my boss knows it. She's the one giving me all the work to do and I have yet to be recognized for any of it. Two years ago, when I got my review, I was given a substantial raise, but the only reason it was "substantial" was because they had already anticipated that we weren't getting any raises the next year. This year, it's up in the air. They haven't said no, but they haven't said yes either.

Anyway - so with that said, I've been dwindling on these said facts and it's been eating at me. My boss, like most, I guess, isn't exactly the easiest to deal with. She truly sucks at management and her methods, well let's just say they're lacking ... She does things to all of us that is just plainly not right. She treats us like prisoners and in all honesty, people at the company are afraid to ask for help from my department because of how she is. She literally treats us like she signs our checks and that we work solely for her and not for the company.

Now I am never one to speak so ill of a person to solely help me, so I will admit she has her moments. I've dealt with her outside of work and she is peaches and cream. Generally, she is a decent person, but as I had stated about her before, she tends to have "good days" far sporadically than her "bad days". Basically, she is the opposite of most human beings when it comes to work. More bad than good ..

So anyway ... we recently got into it because she tends to hear what she wants to hear and she tends to react before thinking and then when she makes an ass out of herself, she looks to justifying it by blaming others. So basically we're working on this project. We've contracted this company, which she happens to be part owner of (no conflict of interest there, right??), to redo one of our main systems. This same company recently redid a similar system for Toronto, Canada. It turns out that one of the employees at this company did a lot of the footwork for Toronto. Now when it's our turn (and probably mainly because my boss is part owner), we have to do a lot of the footwork ourselves.

So we started this process of coding and as we're going along, we're being fed piecemeal code. So we have to constantly go back to what we marked as complete and add these bits and pieces of code in and make the modifications. We've probably done this about 10 times already - no joke. So now that we finally got all the pieces of code in and finally get the code to work, we finish up one of the parts and got everything to look how we wanted. My boss decides to go to this company (they're about an hour away) and pay them a visit and brings everything with her. One of the developers there looks at what we did and basically told us how we did it wrong and how to do it right. While I had him on the phone, I did what he suggested and surprise, surprise, it didn't work. So he said how he'd have to get back to me and I said ok. Then my boss pipes in and said we should continue working. So I said to her that I wasn't going to continue working until the developer got back to us with a proper solution. Basically... why continue incorrectly when you're going to have to redo everything anyway.. so she took that as how I quit on the project and how I said that I'm not doing it anymore. So when she gets in the next day, she calls me into her office and we get into it and I walked out.

So since then I've been miserable. Every day I go to work all negative and when I see her car pull into the parking lot, I seriously get a sinking feeling in my stomach. Not necessarily fear that I will be fired, but just the fact that the bitch has arrived and now we have to be prisoners in a room for the rest of the day ... just not healthy.

Then I started to factor in the whole - I'm 24 and still living at home and I fucked up my life with my credit and I'm at a dead end because I can't go anywhere ...

So basically ... I was in a bad place. I got my tax return back and sent it all to American Express. I had  about $500 left to pay and I just did on Friday. So because I paid it in full, they're going to reinstate my card and now I can hopefully get back on track with my finances. It has become such a weight off my shoulders, you don't even know. Once I get that card, I am placing it in a zip-loc bag, filling said bag with water, and placing said bag in the freezer. This way I am not tempted at all ... :)

So that really helped turn things around for me. My parents have just become annoying as ever, constantly calling me if I'm not home at 5:05, since it takes me less than 5 minutes to get home from work. If I go out, they're calling me at all hours of the morning asking me where I am. They've become stifling and I just can't deal with it much longer. I am toying with the idea of a steady second job so that I can move out ... work on the weekends, see what I can do. This whole dream of me having a company of my own just isn't panning out. Business is slow and if I dwindle on that dream any longer, then I'll always be living at home.

Seriously ... after watching Ugly Betty, she really inspired me to take a chance in life - accept change and embrace it. I've been saying that I want to move to California and I think I am  officially setting a goal to make it happen.

One thing for sure, is that I am a family-oriented guy. It will be hard to leave what I know here in New York, but thinking back to it (and again from UB), my parents left everything they knew and took a risk to move to the US (Yes, they were immigrants, turned US citizen). They left their families to find a better life. They took the risks head on and struggled, like most, and made it to where they are today without ever looking back. I feel that it's time that I man up and take the risks head on and make the move. Granted, it's not to another country, but it is an entirely different world for me.

From tonight's episode of Brothers and Sisters, as Sarah had accepted as her daily mantra, "It will all work out", I've come to start accepting that as my life mantra. If you truly believe in something and have hope and faith, it will work out. That is now my positive outlook on life. I'm not going to be naive about it, but I am going to try my best to find myself again and do what I once had always done- look for the silver lining in things again. Stay positive and just let things play its course.

Look ... I decided to stop appearing so desperate Steve and Mike and they've been texting me instead of me having to text them. Steve actually asked me to come over tonight and I did go, but only after I was done with my dinner plans. Once I've showed that I'm not into them (although I totally am.. hehe), they've seem to come to me and I kind of like it.

To be honest, I've been focusing on me and that's why I haven't had time to even play into their games. I didn't do it intentionally, but either way, it seems to have worked in my favor. I've just been so busy with school and really trying to get good grades so that I can just graduate already, that I've been so focused on that, that they haven't crossed my mind. You know what? It is what it is ... que sera sera...

I really need to set my goals and get back on track. I've paid off a major debt, now to focus on saving money so that when I graduate, I will have some money to possibly get myself into my own place. I will hopefully find a better job, with higher pay, so that I can continue to keep said place, plus I will need to pay my student loans back as well. So I still have a lot of milestones to hit and I need to stay focused ...

So anyway .. it's now after 3AM and I have work in about 5 hours ... time for some sleep .. Just remember ... It will all work out... Oh ... and sorry for the extremely long entry!

xoxo,
J