It seems to be that throughout my life, I've never had any actual friends, only acquaintances...
It turns out that this group I would normally hang out with is planning this big birthday bash for one of the girls who is turning 21. I haven't heard a peep from any one of the six of them... not one person texted me, e-mailed me, or even messaged me on Facebook about the plans. I decided to text everyone to arrange something and everyone was like they can't on the Friday I picked, so I decided to ask about the following Friday and I got all "maybe's" ... I found out from the only one who can't get into bars yet that three of them plan to take the birthday girl out on the 2nd Friday I had suggested to get her wasted. It's obvious that they don't want any part of me because not one of them mentioned it to me or invited me. So, fine, fuck them.
Now tonight, not much to my surprise Steve fucked me over as usual. He did actually text me and said how he was going to hang out with some other kid and invited me. I told him that I was pissed at my parents and how I'm in because I don't want to be home. He's like "awww ... ok, I'm going to shower and I'll text you when I'm out." --- Guess what? Not one text -- such a FUCKING ASSHOLE.
I opened up to him last night about how bad of a week I've been having and how I am in desperate need of just a night out .... after telling him all of that and blatantly telling him how I need to get out of the house, he just fucks me over!? I don't know why I had expected him to pull through tonight...
I've been looking at the polls and the majority of you think I am wasting my time with him. I can't believe that I am going to admit this, but I guess I am wasting my time.
As I lay here in bed, watching the Bad Romance video, on the verge of crying, I've come to that realization. I just don't understand what the hell is wrong with me that I can't even say that I have 1 true friend. Is it me? My personality? What? I would love to know!
The more I think about it, the more upset I get. I really don't know what the fuck is wrong with me that I can't have one decent friendship? What human being doesn't have one good friend? A friend that no matter the hour, day, or whatever, you call and they'll be there for you? Why am I so hated?
I am such an asshole ... I can't stand it!
Friday, March 26, 2010
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4 comments:
I think you should hold off on all the self-hate, because that is not going to lead anywhere and just evaluate all those people in your life right now.
First of all you have this big secret, which you feel you can't tell anyone yet. This is the biggest problem because by not telling anyone this you are not being honest with all your so called "friends." Who knows if they will accept you for who you are, but you can't really expect much honesty from people, if you are not being completely honest yourself.
Secondly, I am not saying you should proclaim your gayness from the rooftops, because you need to feel sure, confident, and ready to finally let this secret out. Once you have finally reached this peace of mind with yourself, then you can begin to tell other people.
Lastly, don't take shit people do too seriously. I am sorry to say, but it makes you look a little desperate. Just have fun with it, if your friends are "busy" then just make new plans or better yet find new friends or people who are willing to hang out with, even if it is just family. Although, it is not that simple, it helps when you feel you are alone. And if you don't feel confident enough to just go out and meet new people than just find a different distraction. At least it will help take your mind off all the troubles you are facing.
Hello Anonymous,
Well thanks for the comment. I hate to admit it, but I have been desperate for a friend for quite some time. One would think that in a three week span, that one of the many people I know would reach out, but I guess not.
I am more frustrated than anything and I honestly believe that I'd rather look to blame myself since I am the common denominator in the equation.
I hear you about the honesty thing, but quite frankly, with the exception of me being gay and that truth coming out, I am completely honest with my friends. I don't think that I'm lying to myself necessarily. I know that I am, but I really can't shout it from the rooftops, although I really want to.
I may be wrong about my parents disowning me - they may welcome the truth with open arms. It's just that the risk is far too high, especially since I really can't afford to live on my own.
Once I know that I am stable enough to live on my own, then I will come clean with the truth. Whether or not they accept it then, that's another story.
I really think that all of these feelings is just from the stress of life. I personally find it depressing that a 24 year old guy is at home, like some old ass loser, on a Friday and Saturday night, especially since I am actually looking to go out.
I think that the problem is that I am too much of a good friend, because I know that if one of my "friends" reached out to me, I would be there. I guess I can't expect that from everyone, since everyone is different.
It's funny, prior to hanging out with Steve, I was quite content with my life and being at home on the weekend and barely doing any thing much. Now I've gotten a taste of the nightlife again and I really want to be a typical 24 year old and not be like some married person who has to settle down.
I guess you're right - I need to get out there and meet new people ... It's so much easier with a friend, but whatever. It's only 10:45, maybe I'll go and have a drink at the bar?
Well thanks for the comment!
xoxo,
J
Hey there. I just stumbled upon your blog when I searched for Jeremy Lory..He's such a turn-on with those pictures you posted.
I've read this post and I feel that we have some similarities.
I've been feeling like an outcast (not being invited..been there). It hurts.
One moment I was happy & laughing. The moment I found out that everyone is being invited except moi, everything seemed bleak. My mood changed immediately. I felt super lonely! Such a sweet feeling~~*sarcastic*.
I questioned myself if I ever did offend any of them. I never do actually, I think.
Even now, I never have any REAL friends except my boyfriend whom I love so so so dearly. He is the only friend and lover I need in my life and that is enough :)
At one point in my life, I decided not to feel 'pathetic'..just because they treated me like shit? no way! I am much better than that. So, I learned to be independent and just go on forcing myself feeling strong and everything in between. I never tell any of my friends about my sexuality because they are such prick when it comes to homosexuality. Like I care about how they feel about it. My point is, life is short and spending too much time worrying like that just doesn't worth it! It is hard sometimes, I know. Every time I feel like an outcast, threatened or offended, I just calmed down and see that as a challenge to make me a much stronger person.
Thank God that I am now quite content with my life generally :) My boyfriend and I are happy but my life with the rest of the world is just crappp..
Sorry..if I bored you or saying nonsense stuffs but that's just who I am! heh heh. But hey, if you wanna share or want rant about anything, I'm willing to listen :) I think you really need a genuine friend there :s I'm not saying that I am one (LOL) I wish but it's up to you how you choose a friend XD
I feel that you are such a great person to deal with those kind of BS feelings.
*hugs*
ps: I don't have any fag hag. haha..any problems I have with my boyfriend, I just deal with it positively. Sometimes I masturbate to feel less angry with him and everything seems better. lol.
Dear "13",
First and foremost, thank you for your comment. Secondly, thank you for reading my blog.
I still find it amazing how by searching for that hot piece of ass, many have stumbled upon my little online home... :)
Jeremy is hot as hell and believe you me, I sure as hell would love to please him!! :) LOL
I really wanted to thank you for sharing your experiences. It's nice, on my end, to know that I'm not the only one experiencing these things. I am sorry to hear about your friendship troubles, for as you know, I know exactly how you feel.
Please note that you will always have a friend here on ACGB - Please don't ever hesitate to contact me directly if you want to talk, vent, rant, or whatever. I mean that goes out to all my readers as well, but to you especially since you commented! :)
We all can use the support in life and if it means becoming pen pals, the sure!
You're blessed to have a boyfriend - live your life, love it, and enjoy every moment of it. I soon hope to come out and get one of those boyfriend thingys too! :) LOL
Well, please do continue to read my blog and stay in touch!
xoxo,
Jared
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