Enlightenment on Life... per say

Ok ... so here's the thing ...

After all that had happened with Steven and the fact that he lied to me and in my desperate time of drunkenness coming out to him, I decided to forgive him.

He was genuinely sorry when I told him the truth and how I felt. He was more than receptive when I admitted my bisexuality to him. He kept saying "It doesn't matter" "Nothing is going to change" blahh blahh blaahhh

Well I don't know what his deal is. I trust him enough that he won't tell anyone but he has been sooo shady, it's unbelievable. For example, we talk throughout the week all the time at work. We even went to this wine and cheese part this past Wednesday. We all had a great time and everything seemed to be the same. I wanted to go to this special screening of a movie and we were going to go, but then he remembered that he had the wine and cheese party, so we went there instead.

He, along with the other guys are very sexually open, per say. They're quick to whip out their dicks at any given moment and always act like homosexuals, yet, they're "not". After the party, we went to this pub/restaurant that a lot of college kids go to and as we're walking to the door from the parking spot, Steve whips out his cock and starts peeing in the bushes and on the sidewalk. It's stupid things like that, that has me going crazy with mixed signals. I mean, yes, he was being stupid as hell, but him and Mike whip it out all the time. Believe me, I'm not complaining .. it's quite the nice sight, but seriously ... talk about confusing!

So anyway ... we were in that pub and we bumped into this girl that we graduated with. She was smokin' hot back in high school and not a thing has changed since then. Well, except the fact that she has come out of the closet and is a full fledged lesbo! But anyway ... I went to say hi and she followed me back across the bar and had to say hi to Steve and Mike. She said something that stuck with me and it was that Steve was and will always be such a cute hottie that anyone would want to get with. I thought about it and it's so true. He was always cute growing up and has become quite the hottie as we've grown older. He could go up to a 10+ girl and get her number and a good kiss on the lips.... me, well not that I'd try on any girl (and maybe they can pick up on that) but, if I got a second glance, heck a first glance, I'd be lucky...  I'd even attempt to try just for fun, but no one pays me any mind. He's got the whole package, from body, to gorgeous blue eyes, to 6+ foot height, to a nice looking cock ... he's the whole package ... me, I'm the sad sidekick ... which I've come to terms with ... but anyway ... I don't know why ... that just hit me that night she said it ... which by the way, lez or not, she totally give him a nice kiss on the lips after saying that ... me ... a hug and kiss on the cheek .. ugh...

ANYWAY --- Steve said how he got all these movies and we all could get together for a movie night at his place. I was looking forward to it and didn't hear a peep of it again. Mike texted me on Friday asking me about the movie night and I said to talk to Steve. Steve didn't respond at first and when he finally did, he said how he was going over his friend's house to drink. I said, ok, no problem, maybe tomorrow?

Tomorrow came (saturday), and for those who don't live under a rock, the majority of the Tri-State area was flooded with the torrential downpour of rain. I actually lost power at home for a good 5-6 hours. Throughout the day Steve and I were texting and I was trying to see if he wanted to hang out and then he responds back after a while of texting, "Oh yeah. Dude it's not like we arent gonna see each other ever again lol. we can chill next week"

I  was like ... um... ok ... did I come off desperate or something? So I blew that comment off and then just stopped texting him. When I had lost power, I texted him and asked him if he had any power and then I told him how we're sitting around the fireplace, waiting for the power to come back. I was joking and I said to him how now is the opportune time to gather and tell ghost stories like when we were kids. He was like, yeah? I want to come over. So I told him he could b/c my parents were going to bed, since there was nothing else to do and he didn't respond.

So I figured ok ... he wants space... maybe I've been a bit "clingy" or something... I don't know. So I stopped texting him. I didn't on Sunday and didn't at all today. All of a sudden, he messages me at work like not a thing happened. I was like... really? What the fuck?

So, me being my stupid self, left it alone and just answered him. He started talking about redoing his back yard and all this crap and wanted me to snap a photo of ours to show his mom and dad. I was in class and I told him it was too dark. I then proceeded to see what he was up to and he was like, supposedly Mike is going to pick him up and they're going to the gym. Not even a may we can hang out or anything later ... yet he wants me to help him build shit over the weekend ...

I think my mom is somewhat right ... they're using me and I think it's fine time I realize that.

I was hoping that by reconnecting with him, I would finally fulfill my fantasy of having actual guy friends ... buds to go to the bar with, buds to chill with, buds to vacation with ... etc.--- but to me, I feel used and it sucks.

I keep saying 2010 is about change for me and I am keeping to that philosophy ... I've been going to the gym, running 5 miles every night and working the weights ... trying to slim down and tone up and so far that's been good. I am trying ever so hard to get out of the financial rut I'm in and pay off all my debt. Pay back my parents for the money I borrowed and finally establish some sort of savings. I was hoping to move out this year, but I am not sure whether or not that is a possibility. It's been 5 years at my job and I seem to be going no where fast and I'm ready to stab my boss in the ice cold heard she has, so I've been looking at and applying to job openings all over. I am overloading myself with school in hopes to finish it much sooner rather than later. I am really pushing myself to the limits here to make a difference.... and now ... I think I'm going to try and forget the guys as much as I possibly can. I'm going to try and take a step backward and go back into the little hole I was in until I feel comfortable enough to come back out. What will happen? Who knows...