OMG! I think I have a problem

Ok... so I don't know if this is just a side effect from watching Make the Yuletide Gay and wanting what the two characters had in the movie, but I have been seriously dreaming about my best friend that I have been  mentioning in the past couple of blogs like crazy...

It was first about the sex and how badly I wanted to blow him ... now it's gotten deeper. I am fantasizing about him being my boyfriend, turned lover, turned fiancé, turned soul mate. Like the other day, I was thinking about him coming over and I'd confront him about his sexuality and assure him that I'm cool with it and then we'd get into a deep conversation and everything would just be ok.

I took it even further to think that he could be my roommate and we could get an apartment together and I could finally be out of my parent's house.

He complained about back pains, and I thought that I could give him a legitimate back rub and make him feel better and then somehow that would lead to us being together. He said how he hadn't told his parents about his medical problems and I've been encouraging him to go to the doctor and get a full checkup. I told him how I'd go with him for support and he was actually accepting of it. Then I thought that this could be my future and I would support and love him through it all.

Now as all of these thoughts are racing through my mind, the reality hit me so hard and fast, that it was like I was victim to a hit and run! All of a sudden, I came to the realization that this was nothing but a mere fantasy in my mind. That we're too good of friends for it to be anything more. Then I thought that he is seriously my only legitimate friend, since elementary school. Through all the weird stages in my life and his, he's always been the hotter and sexier one, yet he accepted me for me and we really bonded a true friendship. I really don't want to fuck that up and I'm afraid that the confrontation could do just that, yet on the other hand, I feel ballsy enough to charge and confront him and everything would be ok.

I am so torn! I really don't know what to do! I could either fuck up a true friendship or I could enhance that true friendship. All I know is that I am truly starting to want more than just friendship overall. Not with just him, but in my life in total. Since I watched that movie, something inside of me is ready to come out. (No pun intended) --- I'm so ready to say "Mom... Dad... I'm gay" and accept what have to say, no matter what, but at the same time, I'm afraid of losing them as parents or them treating me differently. Again, to reference the movie, I can relate to both of the guys and I have to say that I share the same fear. My mom and dad wouldn't accept it as easily as the parents in the movie did... that is for sure.

I would have to think that they somewhat know though... I never had a serious girlfriend, I take pride in baking, I'm very conscientious about my appearance, and I'm sure that my mother may have caught me with gay porn on my laptop and me fast asleep ...

Why does this have to be so difficult!? Ugh...

xoxo,
J